Links to the
Please read every page on this site.
Each page is the most important page, and together, they can save
December 21, 2012:
The Great Intuition
Steps to Prepare for and
Survive the Apocalypse
Mayan Calendar Doomsday Prophecies: What
Will Really Happen on December 21, 2012
There are many websites that offer info about the Mayan calendar and
its doomsday prophecies. Some sell books about how to survive, some sell
survival supply kits, and some just provide general, but useful, information,
like lists of celebrities that believe in the 2012 apocalypse (it's hard to
argue with an idea that purportedly has support from the likes of Mel Gibson,
Brittany Spears, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Rogan, Montel Williams, Lil' Wayne, and the
incomparable Jack van Impe).
Of course, some people say that these websites are run
by huge sleazebags who just want to take advantage of idiots and people with
anxiety disorder. I don't believe that. I believe these people are
true heroes, whose hearts are in the right place. But they are operating
from only a general knowledge and their predictions are therefore shrouded in
uncertainty, fear, and vague generalities, with little or nothing concrete to
back any of it up. What really sets me, and this website, apart from these
other sources of Mayan calendar end-of-world prophecies is that I am the only
one who can tell you exactly how the world will end and precisely what you need
to do about it.
When I regained consciousness after my episode of binge
drinking, I realized that something miraculous had happened: during my blackout,
when I had only the Great Intuition to guide me, I had solved the riddles of the
Mayan calendar and was able to write them out in specific detail on this napkin.
Apparently, I began by writing my name at the top of the
page, which I guess was just force of habit from back when I was in high school,
which is the last time I did any serious writing, so ignore that. The
important part is what follows: my four prophecies. As you can see, I
wrote "asteroid, solar flares, machines don't work, and
figs." These are the four death-bringers, the four horsemen of the
So on December 21, 2012, here's how it's going to go
a giant asteroid will slam into the side of the Earth like a seizure victim on a
Rascal Scooter plowing through a Cheesy Doritos display case. Everyone on
that side of the Earth will be instantly obliterated, but fortunately that will
be the side which is basically full of evil people anyway: Europe, Africa, Asia,
and other surrounding regions, like South America. People living in the
United States will be spared.
Some people believe that this asteroid will actually be
the dreaded Planet X (aka Niburu). I'm not sure where I come down on this
particular point. I apparently made some notes next to the word "asteroid"
on my napkin, but that portion got ripped when I used it to wipe my mouth, so it
isn't really legible. Basically the main point remains the same though:
don't travel abroad on December 21, 2012.
The terrifying image you see at left is not an actual
photo of the asteroid that will strike Earth on the Mayan calendar end date
(obviously it would be impossible to have a photo of that), but rather a photo
of the last major asteroid to hit Earth at the beginning of the Ice Age.
This asteroid not only wiped out the dinosaurs, it also kicked up so much dust
and debris that it shrouded the Earth in darkness and turned the warm tropical
paradise that cavemen and pterosaurs so enjoyed, within hours, into a frozen
wait," you're probably thinking, "there are also evil people living in North
America." You are correct, and that's where the solar flares come in.
Our sun, you see, is a star like any of the other white
dots you see in the night sky (yes, it's true). It is a giant nuclear reaction, and from
the surface of this immense bubbling ball of sinner's comeuppance extend vast,
lapping tongues of hellfire called "solar flares" (pictured at left) which will
lash out and selectively fry portions of the North American continent, while
leaving others untouched, much like the
malfunctioning convection oven I bought on the Martha Stuart website.
The people that get fried will basically be the most
evil, the ones that serve as a living affront to Bolon Yokte' K'uh, and who
cannot be allowed to continue existing. Because of this, you do not want
to be within a 15 mile radius of these people on December 21, 2012. There
are many of them, but here is an abridged list of people you most certainly will
want to avoid: Obama, the Doctor who delivered Obama, the other doctor who
forged Obama's birth certificate, Al Gore, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, both
Bonos (Chaz and the U2 one), Muslims, the gay kid from Glee, and basically the
entire city of Oakland.
the machines will malfunction. All of them. The reason has something
to do with the magnetism from the solar flares.
So be ready: no cars, no cell phones, no robots.
That's right, this time around, we can't count on our
various chintzy home robots to save us. If you're anything like me, that
strikes a pretty deep blow. During my twelve-year tenure at Walmart, I've
purchased every robot they sold, including the cassette deck robot, the toaster
robot, and Rob, the crummy gyro-spinning robot that came with the original Super
Nintendo. Man, that robot couldn't drop a gyro in the right spot to save
his life. But as inept and generally useless as these robots have been, at
some level, I always felt that they would rally to my aid in a doomsday
scenario. I now know that my hopes, and my 10% employee discounts, were
misplaced. But this is how it has to be; it is the will of Bolon Yokte' K'uh.
Which brings me to the figs. On doomsday, they
will all simultaneously expire. To eat them on this day, or after, would
not be good. I'm talking, at the least, serious indigestion.
If you look at the image of the
Mayan calendar found on this site's homepage, you will notice that the Mayan
depicted in the center holds upon his back a great bounty of comestibles, but
among them not is the fig. In fact, at his feet, lies what appears to be a
fig, discarded and vile.
Why does Bolon Yokte' K'uh despise the fig? I
theorize that it is because the fig was the patron fruit of his sworn enemy,
whose name could never be uttered. During several solid hours of research,
I found no evidence to refute this.
So beware the fig, and all it's guises, including the
Newton, for according to prophecy, she is evil.
Now you know, specifically, what to expect when doomsday
arrives on December 21, 2012. But do you know how to prepare? Read
my five basic steps to prepare for the